Slave to the Money

Money.

I bet at least 10 people read that first line and clicked out of this blog.  Well, let's be realistic.  I'm sure only 3 people clicked on this blog to begin with so we'll say 2 clicked away.  To the one person sticking around... I'm feel so damn sorry for you.  You must have about as much of a life as I do.

So I was chit chatting with my asshole best friend today (we will call her Dee Mented).  Dee and I were trying to decide what in God's name we are going to do this weekend.  Should we go to NYC with my parents?  How about Halloween in D.C. with some of our other asshole friends?  Or maybe we will just pick out a stupid costume that millions of people have already been in previous years and stay in friggen Bloomsburg.  The main reason we are so indecisive boils down to the benjamins that we don't have.  I'm talking about MONEY people!

Fortunately my rent is cheap, my car payment is low, and my parents are still nice enough to take care of some of my small monthly payments (be jealous).  But for some reason, I still find myself contemplating selling my eggs at the end of the month to help with my rent money!  What the hell?

I'm sitting at work today and I can't stop searching "easy ways to make fast cash" on every search engine known to man-kind.  Below is a list of things I have come up with:

TASK / WHY IT WON'T WORK

Opinion Polls / Trust me... noooooobody wants to hear my opinion.

Vehicle Advertising / My car is already BRIGHT YELLOW.  I don't need to draw anymore attention to it.

Pet Care Services / I'm allergic to most pets and I don't do reptiles!

Bone Marrow Transplants /  Hellllll no!  That's gotta hurt!

Babysitting / Actually considering giving up my weekends to babysitting services (shit).

AHHH!  I take it back... No babysitting for this girl.  Ever.

All i really want is to have enough money to easily pay my bills, eat breakfast and dinner, buy household needs, and still have enough cash left over to have a a glass of wine or a beer at the end of the day.  Is that seriously too much to ask???

I would love to sit here and continue to bitch about not having money but instead I'm going to share venting about money from people you may have heard of.

Oh lord, won't you buy me a night on the town.

I'm counting on you, lord please don't let me down.

Prove that you love me and buy the next round.

Oh lord, won't you buy me a night on the town.

-Janis Joplin

Believe in all the good things,

That money just can't buy.

Then you won't get no bellyache,

From eating humble pie.

I believe in rags to riches,

Your inheritance won't last.

So take your grey poupon my friend,

and shove it up your ass.

-Aerosmith

Some boys try and some boys lie,

But I don't let them play.

Only boys who save their money,

Make my rainy day,

'Cause they are living in a material world,

And I am a material girl.

-Madonna

Well, I guess that settles it.  It looks like I'm picking out a stupid 80's Madonna costume for this weekend that has been used and abused by countless college girls for every Halloween since Madonna was popular.

Dear Bloomsburg,

Please be fun this weekend.

Love,

Not a chance...

Inventions Leading to a Waste of Human Intelligence

There is this really great website, http://www.stumbleupon.com/ , where you can submit your interests and it will direct you to different websites that relate to you.  OK that was a pretty shitty explanation.. Just go to the damn site and check it out for yourself.

Anyway.

So I stumble pretty frequently and on one of my stumbles the other day I came across this website that really fricken irritated me.  It's called totally absurd.. obviously for a reason.  I was looking around the Inventions Archive and it made me want to beat people up (I'm really not a bully and couldn't hurt a fly even with a shoe).

You would NOT believe some of the things they called inventions! It was crazy.. It proves that people will literally do just about ANYTHING for green stuff.



^ That kind of green stuff! Jeez get your heads out of the gutter...

One particular invention that I think could possibly be an all-time low for any parent is called Baby Bottom Art.  No, I did not stutter.  Who in God's name would ever purchase a painting made by some random kid's ass cheeks saturated in paint and plopped on a canvas?  I certainly would not.   That's disgusting.  Does this even qualify as an invention?  It's pictured below.. you tell me.

Another crazy idea is called a Kissing Shield.  REALLLLYYY????  The ad states, "If you enjoy kisses but dread the idea of getting a disease, then the Kissing Shield is a 'must have' item. This germ barrier consists of a thin latex membrane artfully stretched over an attractive and romantic heart shaped frame."  I'm pretty sure when you kiss someone you know the chances for getting germs and you don't give a shit!  My dad calls this swapping spit which makes it pretty clear:  Spit has germs.  You are exchanging spit between your tounges.  You will most likely be exchanging germs as well.

The inventor also made this unique contraption intended for politicians that kiss babies.  Who the hell thinks of this shit??????

I don't see Bush using a Kissing Shield...



Finally, my favorite worthless invention.  Stud Spectacles.  The name in itself tells you it HAS to be awesome, right?  WRONG!  The inventor for this stupid idea obviously wore glasses and didn't like the fact that they would fall down his face and were difficult to keep up on his nose.  Solution? CONTACTS you shithead.  Nope! Not this guy, he decided piercing his eyebrows and inventing glasses that attach to them would be a better fit!  Take a look...

I'm sure all people that wear glasses are going jump on this bandwagon!  Alrighty folks, there you have it!  I'm going to stumble upon something else that doesn't make me want to staple my finers together.  Have the best weekend everrrrrrrrrrr!

Live your life like a random CD mix?

Have you ever burned a random CD mix?  No shit, of course you have.. it's the freakin 21st cenntury.  Ok let me rephrase.  Have you ever burned a random CD mix and then a few years later, popped it into your CD player and thought, "What the hell was going through my mind when I made this?"

This happens to me allllllllllllllllllllllllllll the time.  But my friend Barbie Dahl (pen name, obviously) explained my CD mix in a way that I probably never would have thought of it...

She said, after a rediculous amount of hysterical-tears-in-her-eyes type of laughing, "Hahahahahaahhaa. This mix is totally you."  What in God's name does that mean? Well I guess it's important to know what exactly was on this shitty-ass mix.  I don't remember every song in order or anything... I don't carry it in my back pocket.  I'm NOT totally obsessed with it, well I kind of am but that's besides the point.  Anywayyy, here is an idea of what we were jamming out to on the way home from my field hockey game last night:

Oldies.  We are talking ancient oldies, sorry Mom!  Run Around Sue was the first song on this bizarre playlist.  It's probably because my mom taught me how to Jitterbug when I was back in middle school and this instantly became one of my favorites to dance to.

TLC.  Come on! I was practically born to be Left Eye (rest easy woman!!) I freakin miss the shit out of her and I'm not ashamed to admit that I own TLC's Crazy Sexy Cool album.  I can rap Left Eye's part in Waterfall and I totally learned how at my many years spent racing losers around Skatetown with my awesome inline skates.  So it's not a surprise to know that Creep, No Scrubs (from a different album), and Red Light Special could be heard on this incredible but very very random CD.

Lauryn Hill. Love love love her. I'm sure you can guess which song... Killing me Softly.  Enough said.

Ace of Base. HAHAHA yes even I have to laugh at this. Don't Turn Around. Definitely one of the best jam-out-to-in-your-car songs.  It's got a pretty fantastic beat and it makes my bass go BOOM BOOM.

69 boys. Gotta love Tootsie Roll.  Mind you when this tune came on, the first words out of Barbie Dahl's mouth and mine simultaneously were, "Yeahhhh 1994!" If you know this horrible song then you would know why.  "Cotton candy sweet to go let me see that tootsie roll!"  Takes you back a few steps in time, huh?

Boys II Men.  Coolest boy band of the 90's hands down...  I'll Make Love to You.  This was the first cassette tape (yeah I said it) that I stole from my sister and the first one I had to hide from my mom because it was filled with adult content. Ah the truth comes out.  Oh yeah Carey, I still have that if you're looking for it... Sorry! Love you!

Bryan Adams.  Oh yesss bring us back to that 80's rock.  Summer of '69.  Before I knew these lyrics by absolute heart I used to say, "Jimmy quit, someone got married. Lord knows we'd never get far." Yeah, I'm always making up lyrics when I don't know what they are. 
Eric Clapton.  Tears in Heaven is still one of my ALL TIME favorite songs and generally once a month this song still brings me to tears. You know, the time of the month that most women hate everyone around them and swear a lot more and feel like a complete train wreck and blame their horrible personality and mood swings on mother nature (damn her).

So looking back at each song on this list, Barbie Dahl was right, this mix IS totally me!  You have you're oldies, skatetown music, R&B love making songs, hip hop, and 80's rock.  Wowwwww Dear Baby Jesus thank the lord my taste is music has DRASTICALLY changed.  Peace bitchessss.

My Allergies to Stupid People

My name is Courtney and I know you don't know anything about me.  You are probably sitting there thinking, "Listen lady, we don't care!"  Welllllllllll that's perfect because I was going to spare you the psycho-babble-bullshit anyway.

I'm sitting here at work.. actually work is over, what the hell am I still doing here???  (LOGOUT)  Ok then, I guess we will make this quick and straight to the point.

Everyday I take phone calls. Everyday I listen to sob stories.

And everyday I give the same answer:

"Your work will be graded in the order that they are received. We can NOT rush grades for any students under any circumstances.  Grading for your packet will take approximately 7-10 business days."  It's an awfully simple explanation, dontcha think?  It's like raaaaaiiiinnnnnnnnn on your wedding day.. KIDDING. Thank you Alanis Morisette for the reference but let's move on..

back to my point:
What I would really love to say to the dad that let his son skip out on gym class his freshman year because the kid "just didn't feel like going to class" or to the mom that thought her education was "more important than her daughter's" or to the parents that want to know the least amount of work their dumbass kid can do and still pass this course is......... What do I want to say to them? 

"ARE YOU KIDDDDDDDING ME????  I'm sorry but poor planning on your part does not BY ANY MEANS call for an emergency action on my part!

And that is why I have been sneezing all day..... Damn allergies.